I always knew I was going to breastfeed my baby. I was really looking forward to it. I went to a class on breastfeeding and I did research and I was armed with resources to find the solution to any obstacles in our way. When Zoe was put on my chest after only 7 hours of labour (see: Red Raspberry Leaf Tea), I eagerly anticipated the breast crawl. She found her way to the right place and latched within minutes. I was so proud. It felt like the right thing.
As excited as I was to breastfeed, I knew that in some cases, it was impossible. Sometimes by choice, sometimes not, but I was a firm believer that regardless of how you feed your baby, the important thing is that both the mother and baby are thriving. I am now surprised by the amount of grief and disappointment I feel at this juncture where five and a half months in I have to give up the activity and bond I was looking forward to participating in for the next 2+ years. Zoe will be fed. We will still be bonded. She will grow and be happy.
I was amazed at how my body handled pregnancy. It did everything for me, and I'm glad because I certainly didn't know what I was doing. I was just along for the ride. With breastfeeding, I felt like I had assurance that my baby was getting what she needed. I didn't need to think too much about what was in it, how it was made, how much she was getting, or even when she was getting it. I just relied on my body and her cues and she grew (fast).
I don't know which part of formula feeding terrifies me the most. There's the what/when/how much. There's the close bond I'm afraid of losing. There's the inconvenience. There's the diapers (BUGH). To be sure, I am very glad we have formulas and that feeding our babies can happen in many ways. But I honestly never saw a scenario in which I wouldn't be able to breastfeed to a year. Whether optimism or ignorance, I didn't even know how to make a bottle of formula.
I don't even have a definitive diagnosis yet, but the arthritis that has meant I have barely left the house since November is spreading and regardless of the type (probably Rheumatoid), it's now time for drugs stronger than my naturopath can give me. It is a hard decision to make to stop breastfeeding my baby. I love it and it gives me so much happiness. It gives her such good immunities and nutrition. But at some point Zoe is going to need a mom who can get up off a chair and chase after her way more than she'll care about a boob. If I decided to let myself chance having the disease spread to more joints (already in my knees, ankles, feet, left wrist, elbow, and shoulder) just so I can breastfeed, that decision would be way more for me than her. And I'd still be in pain every day and night. I had respect for mamas who have had to make tough decisions with regards to feeding their babies. Reading Mary's blog post on formula feeding made me cry. It was the first time I really saw the pain that people go through to try to do what they think is best for their babies. I was all for breastfeeding or formula feeding as a united front because it all means babies are able to grow and be babies! But now I know how it feels to have to choose.
It feels shitty.
But there are some things about formula feeding that I'm looking forward to:
1. I've tried a brand that my naturopath and I feel good about and Zoe seems to love it.
2. Other people can feed my baby without me having to *&^%$$%^ pump. Eff that.
2.1 I CAN GO OUT INTO THE WORLD AND BE A PERSON!! (hormones permitting. Dang those pesky things are good at their job with the nurturing thing)
3. Getting my boobs back.
4. Wearing a bra. No easy access hooks either.
5. Feeling like I can be sure she gets enough towards the end of the day
I look forward to getting healthy again so that I can enjoy life outside the house with my little girl. We live in such an awesome place and I want to show her everything! Plus, get some use out of my ROM membership. Hard to go to a museum when you can't stand for any length of time.
