I always knew I was going to breastfeed my baby. I was really looking forward to it. I went to a class on breastfeeding and I did research and I was armed with resources to find the solution to any obstacles in our way. When Zoe was put on my chest after only 7 hours of labour (see: Red Raspberry Leaf Tea), I eagerly anticipated the breast crawl. She found her way to the right place and latched within minutes. I was so proud. It felt like the right thing.
As excited as I was to breastfeed, I knew that in some cases, it was impossible. Sometimes by choice, sometimes not, but I was a firm believer that regardless of how you feed your baby, the important thing is that both the mother and baby are thriving. I am now surprised by the amount of grief and disappointment I feel at this juncture where five and a half months in I have to give up the activity and bond I was looking forward to participating in for the next 2+ years. Zoe will be fed. We will still be bonded. She will grow and be happy.
I was amazed at how my body handled pregnancy. It did everything for me, and I'm glad because I certainly didn't know what I was doing. I was just along for the ride. With breastfeeding, I felt like I had assurance that my baby was getting what she needed. I didn't need to think too much about what was in it, how it was made, how much she was getting, or even when she was getting it. I just relied on my body and her cues and she grew (fast).
I don't know which part of formula feeding terrifies me the most. There's the what/when/how much. There's the close bond I'm afraid of losing. There's the inconvenience. There's the diapers (BUGH). To be sure, I am very glad we have formulas and that feeding our babies can happen in many ways. But I honestly never saw a scenario in which I wouldn't be able to breastfeed to a year. Whether optimism or ignorance, I didn't even know how to make a bottle of formula.
I don't even have a definitive diagnosis yet, but the arthritis that has meant I have barely left the house since November is spreading and regardless of the type (probably Rheumatoid), it's now time for drugs stronger than my naturopath can give me. It is a hard decision to make to stop breastfeeding my baby. I love it and it gives me so much happiness. It gives her such good immunities and nutrition. But at some point Zoe is going to need a mom who can get up off a chair and chase after her way more than she'll care about a boob. If I decided to let myself chance having the disease spread to more joints (already in my knees, ankles, feet, left wrist, elbow, and shoulder) just so I can breastfeed, that decision would be way more for me than her. And I'd still be in pain every day and night. I had respect for mamas who have had to make tough decisions with regards to feeding their babies. Reading Mary's blog post on formula feeding made me cry. It was the first time I really saw the pain that people go through to try to do what they think is best for their babies. I was all for breastfeeding or formula feeding as a united front because it all means babies are able to grow and be babies! But now I know how it feels to have to choose.
It feels shitty.
But there are some things about formula feeding that I'm looking forward to:
1. I've tried a brand that my naturopath and I feel good about and Zoe seems to love it.
2. Other people can feed my baby without me having to *&^%$$%^ pump. Eff that.
2.1 I CAN GO OUT INTO THE WORLD AND BE A PERSON!! (hormones permitting. Dang those pesky things are good at their job with the nurturing thing)
3. Getting my boobs back.
4. Wearing a bra. No easy access hooks either.
5. Feeling like I can be sure she gets enough towards the end of the day
I look forward to getting healthy again so that I can enjoy life outside the house with my little girl. We live in such an awesome place and I want to show her everything! Plus, get some use out of my ROM membership. Hard to go to a museum when you can't stand for any length of time.
Monday 3 February 2014
Tuesday 28 January 2014
Confidence
I've thought for a long time that I'm a confident person. I guess I've also had a pretty narrow view of the scope of confidence that includes. Lately it has come to my attention that many areas of your life can benefit from having confidence.
I've been struggling with a knee injury that has sort of spread all over my body, basically due to bad posture caused by that injury. I've seen a doctor and a naturopath and had acupuncture and have a specialist appointment scheduled with a rheumatologist. This is going on 3 months now of an injury that is most definitely affecting my life and what I choose to do.
Today I went to see a Chiropractor who is also an Osteopath - basically, this guy just really knows the body. He gave me some exercises and corrections and told me to try these out, but mostly to have confidence in my body and my movements. He said that when people have been in pain, they adapt by compensating with their movements and they lose confidence in that area of their body. This makes us susceptible to more injuries. I left that appointment feeling empowered and with a renewed sense of optimism. I need to have confidence that my movements are not making the problem worse, but are in fact slowly healing my injuries.
This brings me to the other area of life that I am lacking confidence in - baby sleep habits. I know that Zoe has pretty good sleep. I feel confident in the way we are caring after her in a pretty attachment parenting manner. But I want to give her and us the gift of sleeping by herself. She is still pretty much nursed or bounced or jiggled to sleep. At 5 months, we're starting to get to the point where she needs some practice self-soothing and being able to fall asleep by herself. In no way am I wanting to sleep train her or let her cry it out, but I think the key to having her fall asleep without an adult is to consistently do something. I'm not sure what I want to do yet though. I like having the flexibility of her current nap routine, which is to generally fall asleep in the carrier or her stroller as we're going about our day, but I think nap time is a good time to start giving her a routine that she can get used to. In the evenings I am too tired to follow through with anything consistent. I'm more of in the camp of "fall asleep anywhere, just please fall asleep and let me get some time by myself before MY bed time!". I know that a consistent routine of putting her in the crib and constantly going back to comfort her is not going to happen. So maybe if I have confidence in my ability to be consistent and set a pattern around one of her naps that would be a good place to start.
I've been struggling with a knee injury that has sort of spread all over my body, basically due to bad posture caused by that injury. I've seen a doctor and a naturopath and had acupuncture and have a specialist appointment scheduled with a rheumatologist. This is going on 3 months now of an injury that is most definitely affecting my life and what I choose to do.
Today I went to see a Chiropractor who is also an Osteopath - basically, this guy just really knows the body. He gave me some exercises and corrections and told me to try these out, but mostly to have confidence in my body and my movements. He said that when people have been in pain, they adapt by compensating with their movements and they lose confidence in that area of their body. This makes us susceptible to more injuries. I left that appointment feeling empowered and with a renewed sense of optimism. I need to have confidence that my movements are not making the problem worse, but are in fact slowly healing my injuries.
This brings me to the other area of life that I am lacking confidence in - baby sleep habits. I know that Zoe has pretty good sleep. I feel confident in the way we are caring after her in a pretty attachment parenting manner. But I want to give her and us the gift of sleeping by herself. She is still pretty much nursed or bounced or jiggled to sleep. At 5 months, we're starting to get to the point where she needs some practice self-soothing and being able to fall asleep by herself. In no way am I wanting to sleep train her or let her cry it out, but I think the key to having her fall asleep without an adult is to consistently do something. I'm not sure what I want to do yet though. I like having the flexibility of her current nap routine, which is to generally fall asleep in the carrier or her stroller as we're going about our day, but I think nap time is a good time to start giving her a routine that she can get used to. In the evenings I am too tired to follow through with anything consistent. I'm more of in the camp of "fall asleep anywhere, just please fall asleep and let me get some time by myself before MY bed time!". I know that a consistent routine of putting her in the crib and constantly going back to comfort her is not going to happen. So maybe if I have confidence in my ability to be consistent and set a pattern around one of her naps that would be a good place to start.
Saturday 18 January 2014
Mom time
Before Zoe came into my life almost 5 months ago, I had time to myself
every. single. day.
Now that my full time job is mommy, it's been harder than I imagined to get time for myself. There's a combination of not having time or energy for myself and of not making the time available when I do have energy. It takes effort to carve out time when the baby isn't physically attached to me, and usually I use that time to cook or clean. It has definitely gotten easier to have that time as Zoe gets older, but she's not at the point where she has long predicable (or as predictable as a baby can be) naps or can play by herself for more than 5 minutes. This means that I need to consciously make the time to give her to my husband or ask a friend or family member for a break.
The problem is that as soon as I give her to someone else, I want to hang around! What is up with that? I can go hours wishing for some time to stop worrying about her, but as soon as I can, I want to hang out with her and whoever she's with.
And then there's breastfeeding. I'm the one who gets to feed her. I love breastfeeding, but it does mean that for the last 5 months I haven't gone much more than 3 hours without having that bonding time. I've never been that committed to something in my life! Well, maybe coffee in university... Even if I wanted to get help at night, anyone trying to give her a bottle and then get her back to sleep would just mean that she's up for longer and I wake up anyway. Why even bother my husband? He can't get back to sleep like I can.
Maybe I've redefined what time for myself means. Maybe time to watch my baby interacting with someone she loves and trusts is the new watching a movie. I don't want to make my whole life revolve around my child because she is not mine, she belongs to herself. She won't always need me, which I guess is the goal of parenting. It's okay to forget my personal and professional goals right now and give my baby 100% of my attention - she won't be a baby for a very long time and I'm not planning on having any others. This year of my life is most definitely the hardest but probably the most amazing as I watch my daughter learn new things every day.
Zoe's birth was also the beginning of the rest of my life as a mom. And I sure as hell don't know a lot about parenting. I don't know how to balance being a mom and a person. I don't know what my parenting style is or how I discipline. I just know that I have to take this thing day by day and find the good in every day. And today I got some time to think for myself by writing this, so that's a win :)
every. single. day.
Now that my full time job is mommy, it's been harder than I imagined to get time for myself. There's a combination of not having time or energy for myself and of not making the time available when I do have energy. It takes effort to carve out time when the baby isn't physically attached to me, and usually I use that time to cook or clean. It has definitely gotten easier to have that time as Zoe gets older, but she's not at the point where she has long predicable (or as predictable as a baby can be) naps or can play by herself for more than 5 minutes. This means that I need to consciously make the time to give her to my husband or ask a friend or family member for a break.
The problem is that as soon as I give her to someone else, I want to hang around! What is up with that? I can go hours wishing for some time to stop worrying about her, but as soon as I can, I want to hang out with her and whoever she's with.
And then there's breastfeeding. I'm the one who gets to feed her. I love breastfeeding, but it does mean that for the last 5 months I haven't gone much more than 3 hours without having that bonding time. I've never been that committed to something in my life! Well, maybe coffee in university... Even if I wanted to get help at night, anyone trying to give her a bottle and then get her back to sleep would just mean that she's up for longer and I wake up anyway. Why even bother my husband? He can't get back to sleep like I can.
Maybe I've redefined what time for myself means. Maybe time to watch my baby interacting with someone she loves and trusts is the new watching a movie. I don't want to make my whole life revolve around my child because she is not mine, she belongs to herself. She won't always need me, which I guess is the goal of parenting. It's okay to forget my personal and professional goals right now and give my baby 100% of my attention - she won't be a baby for a very long time and I'm not planning on having any others. This year of my life is most definitely the hardest but probably the most amazing as I watch my daughter learn new things every day.
Zoe's birth was also the beginning of the rest of my life as a mom. And I sure as hell don't know a lot about parenting. I don't know how to balance being a mom and a person. I don't know what my parenting style is or how I discipline. I just know that I have to take this thing day by day and find the good in every day. And today I got some time to think for myself by writing this, so that's a win :)
Friday 17 January 2014
Nursing Necklace
Now that baby is almost 5 months old, she has very wander-y hands while she's nursing. In an effort to spare myself from her tiny razor claws, I decided it was time to get myself a nursing/teething necklace.
There were some at the store that I went to that were wooden beads without the teething ring, but little miss chomper loves to bite on things and I wanted to have the ring available. I also like the look of the ones with a ring and beads together, but maybe I'll find one of those in the future.
They look really simple to make, but I don't know where to find safe materials, nor am I really willing to put in the effort at this point to find them. I think the silicon ones in bright colours look awesome but every time I spend money on a retail item (ie. not handed down or thrifted), I want to go as checmical-free as possible. She will inevitably put loads of toxins into her mouth just by experiencing our world, so I just like to feel that I'm contributing to her safety. For all I know the pretty bright silicon ones are just fine, but my knowledge of their creation vs. wood is low. I know how a tree grows.
Overall I am very happy having bought this necklace and even the baby seems to love it.
I wanted something as natural as I could get, so I went with a natural maple finished with organic beeswax and jojoba oil. It does feel a bit dry though, so I think I'll coat it with some coconut oil. It looks simple and nice and hangs out just where little hands can find it.
There were some at the store that I went to that were wooden beads without the teething ring, but little miss chomper loves to bite on things and I wanted to have the ring available. I also like the look of the ones with a ring and beads together, but maybe I'll find one of those in the future.
They look really simple to make, but I don't know where to find safe materials, nor am I really willing to put in the effort at this point to find them. I think the silicon ones in bright colours look awesome but every time I spend money on a retail item (ie. not handed down or thrifted), I want to go as checmical-free as possible. She will inevitably put loads of toxins into her mouth just by experiencing our world, so I just like to feel that I'm contributing to her safety. For all I know the pretty bright silicon ones are just fine, but my knowledge of their creation vs. wood is low. I know how a tree grows.
Overall I am very happy having bought this necklace and even the baby seems to love it.
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