Mom time

Before Zoe came into my life almost 5 months ago, I had time to myself

every. single. day.

Now that my full time job is mommy, it's been harder than I imagined to get time for myself. There's a combination of not having time or energy for myself and of not making the time available when I do have energy. It takes effort to carve out time when the baby isn't physically attached to me, and usually I use that time to cook or clean. It has definitely gotten easier to have that time as Zoe gets older, but she's not at the point where she has long predicable (or as predictable as a baby can be) naps or can play by herself for more than 5 minutes. This means that I need to consciously make the time to give her to my husband or ask a friend or family member for a break.

The problem is that as soon as I give her to someone else, I want to hang around! What is up with that? I can go hours wishing for some time to stop worrying about her, but as soon as I can, I want to hang out with her and whoever she's with.

And then there's breastfeeding. I'm the one who gets to feed her. I love breastfeeding, but it does mean that for the last 5 months I haven't gone much more than 3 hours without having that bonding time. I've never been that committed to something in my life! Well, maybe coffee in university... Even if I wanted to get help at night, anyone trying to give her a bottle and then get her back to sleep would just mean that she's up for longer and I wake up anyway. Why even bother my husband? He can't get back to sleep like I can.

Maybe I've redefined what time for myself means. Maybe time to watch my baby interacting with someone she loves and trusts is the new watching a movie. I don't want to make my whole life revolve around my child because she is not mine, she belongs to herself. She won't always need me, which I guess is the goal of parenting. It's okay to forget my personal and professional goals right now and give my baby 100% of my attention - she won't be a baby for a very long time and I'm not planning on having any others. This year of my life is most definitely the hardest but probably the most amazing as I watch my daughter learn new things every day.

Zoe's birth was also the beginning of the rest of my life as a mom. And I sure as hell don't know a lot about parenting. I don't know how to balance being a mom and a person. I don't know what my parenting style is or how I discipline. I just know that I have to take this thing day by day and find the good in every day. And today I got some time to think for myself by writing this, so that's a win :)